Fear: it made me unpleasant
I already admitted being foolish. While that story may have simply been ridiculous and may have even made you smile, this is just plain embarrassing. It's also not just one story; it was a growing theme that I could sense growing in my life but wasn't quite sure exactly what it was.
It began when some plans got canceled and I was very upset. Technically, I could've still followed through with the plans on my own and simply moved forward. But no. Refusing to do something that I had never done before and that, quite frankly, scared me, I simply got angry at the person who had messed up my plans. (When someone else volunteered, still I held a few days' grudge.)
It wasn't the first time something had made me extra-angry without a justifiable reason for said anger. Each time was to varying degrees and followed a similar pattern.
My fears of small things, revealed by what I couldn't get myself to do, made all of my fears start to pile on top of each other with increasing speed: that I would never grow up, never conquer my ridiculous fears, never be a writer, never buy a house, never get a job I like, never get married, never do anything with my life...and on and on the toxic swirl went, becoming a hurricane.
I was ashamed of my fears and ashamed of myself, which led to being angry at myself. My inward anger was unleashed as outside anger at those around me, and my situations.
All to hide my fear and shame.
One day I was struck by yet another realization: Anger is my defense mechanism against fear.
Fear that had way too much say in my life, and honestly made me occasionally quite unpleasant.
Enough was enough. I had to curtail this toxic swirl somehow, preferably before it even started the swirling phase. (I am not yet brave enough to always tackle it at the first-sign-of-fear phase.)
However, I wasn't quite sure how to do that, because I just couldn't seem to get some of the constant side-effect rain of defeating words out of my head even after the hurricane passed.
Ironically, it was the free time during the world-wide shutdown when God's voice made it through my too-busy, too-ashamed, too-afraid, and too-defeated head space to start me on a more reflective journey to find some answers.
Will you join me on my journey in part three about fear?
It began when some plans got canceled and I was very upset. Technically, I could've still followed through with the plans on my own and simply moved forward. But no. Refusing to do something that I had never done before and that, quite frankly, scared me, I simply got angry at the person who had messed up my plans. (When someone else volunteered, still I held a few days' grudge.)
It wasn't the first time something had made me extra-angry without a justifiable reason for said anger. Each time was to varying degrees and followed a similar pattern.
My fears of small things, revealed by what I couldn't get myself to do, made all of my fears start to pile on top of each other with increasing speed: that I would never grow up, never conquer my ridiculous fears, never be a writer, never buy a house, never get a job I like, never get married, never do anything with my life...and on and on the toxic swirl went, becoming a hurricane.
I was ashamed of my fears and ashamed of myself, which led to being angry at myself. My inward anger was unleashed as outside anger at those around me, and my situations.
All to hide my fear and shame.
One day I was struck by yet another realization: Anger is my defense mechanism against fear.
Fear that had way too much say in my life, and honestly made me occasionally quite unpleasant.
Enough was enough. I had to curtail this toxic swirl somehow, preferably before it even started the swirling phase. (I am not yet brave enough to always tackle it at the first-sign-of-fear phase.)
However, I wasn't quite sure how to do that, because I just couldn't seem to get some of the constant side-effect rain of defeating words out of my head even after the hurricane passed.
Ironically, it was the free time during the world-wide shutdown when God's voice made it through my too-busy, too-ashamed, too-afraid, and too-defeated head space to start me on a more reflective journey to find some answers.
Will you join me on my journey in part three about fear?
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