Fear: it made me a fool
Let me tell you a story about me being a fearful fool.
Once upon a time, I decided it was time for a new laptop. And being the writer that I am, I knew I would need to splurge and also pay to put Microsoft Office on my new laptop. I studied the different kinds of laptops and what would be best for my needs and also not overly expensive. Finally, I took the leap (I am not a fan of buying things that cost more than $30) and went home with a new Lenova laptop and a code for Microsoft Word, Excel, and PowerPoint.
Unfortunately, I forgot how stupid Microsoft is. Did you know that you literally can't even call them for help? You have to use their online helper, which did not even recognize my question as a possible topic.
Sigh.
Still I pressed on, making a whole new email on yahoo just to create a new Microsoft account so I could put their product on my new laptop. And waited and waited and waited for it to complete. At long last, it said it was finished. It was late and I was tired and frustrated and I unplugged our Ethernet cable (thanks to my parents who refuse to get wifi) and found Word under the start menu and clicked.
That same darn message came on that I had to purchase it in order to use it on that computer. It hadn't worked.
What?!
I had had it. A few angry tears wet my eyes as I unceremoniously shut down my laptop, wrapped it into my case, and stuffed it away.
Days passed. Then weeks. Then a couple months. Too afraid to fire up my laptop and face the disappointment of lost time, effort, money, and a freshly made yahoo email, it sat for many months. When I thought I may finally be ready to face the failure and come up with Plan B, I realized that I was no longer certain what password I had chosen.
So it continued to sit, a topic I preferred not even to think of. A silly thing to not be able to face.
And then, the corona virus happened and there I was, at home, with no job to go to for an unknown amount of time. And therefore, plenty of time to tackle anything I chose. And no, I most certainly did not tackle that laptop. I started with my current novel and worked at that for a while. Then there was hours of practicing my latest interest in watercolor painting. There were, of course, walks when the weather was decent, and my room was cleaner than it had been for at least a year or more. And still my laptop sat in a buried corner of an old desk.
Until I took a deep breath and, making sure no one saw me take it to my room, unveiled the piece of technology and plugged it into the wall, opened the lid, pressed the power button and jerked away.
Please turn on. Please turn on. Please turn on. Round and round and round went to little loading circle. Please turn on.
At last! Time for test #1. Oh please God, please let me be able to get in. I typed in my best guess of what I thought the password might be.
I was in! Ha! Thank you, Lord!
Test #2. I scrolled down the Start menu until, there at the bottom, was Microsoft Word. Please God please God please God let it somehow work! I clicked.
As it opened, a little window popped up. A different window than what had popped up that horribly frustrating night when I stowed my laptop away and stewed for months. This one said that this device has Word, Excel, and PowerPoint on it. What? Can it be? Still not convinced, I clicked for a new document and started typing. That worked. I went to save what I had typed. That worked. I opened it back up.
Yes, it worked.
Praise Jesus! Thank you, Lord! I was literally on my feet in astonished, overflowing joy. I definitely laughed at some point.
I was struck by a truth that I had peripherally known in the back of my head for years yet had done such a good job of hiding it.
I procrastinate because of fear.
In that instant all of the things I have procrastinated on, or still haven't done because of my fear, flashed through me. It was a rather embarrassing list.
When I considered the faith I am supposed to have instead of fear, it was downright shameful. The amazing thing is that God doesn't work in shame, he works in loving conviction. So from that point on, I just needed to make sure that this important revelation changed the way I functioned.
One step at a time.
Once upon a time, I decided it was time for a new laptop. And being the writer that I am, I knew I would need to splurge and also pay to put Microsoft Office on my new laptop. I studied the different kinds of laptops and what would be best for my needs and also not overly expensive. Finally, I took the leap (I am not a fan of buying things that cost more than $30) and went home with a new Lenova laptop and a code for Microsoft Word, Excel, and PowerPoint.
Unfortunately, I forgot how stupid Microsoft is. Did you know that you literally can't even call them for help? You have to use their online helper, which did not even recognize my question as a possible topic.
Sigh.
Still I pressed on, making a whole new email on yahoo just to create a new Microsoft account so I could put their product on my new laptop. And waited and waited and waited for it to complete. At long last, it said it was finished. It was late and I was tired and frustrated and I unplugged our Ethernet cable (thanks to my parents who refuse to get wifi) and found Word under the start menu and clicked.
That same darn message came on that I had to purchase it in order to use it on that computer. It hadn't worked.
What?!
I had had it. A few angry tears wet my eyes as I unceremoniously shut down my laptop, wrapped it into my case, and stuffed it away.
Days passed. Then weeks. Then a couple months. Too afraid to fire up my laptop and face the disappointment of lost time, effort, money, and a freshly made yahoo email, it sat for many months. When I thought I may finally be ready to face the failure and come up with Plan B, I realized that I was no longer certain what password I had chosen.
So it continued to sit, a topic I preferred not even to think of. A silly thing to not be able to face.
And then, the corona virus happened and there I was, at home, with no job to go to for an unknown amount of time. And therefore, plenty of time to tackle anything I chose. And no, I most certainly did not tackle that laptop. I started with my current novel and worked at that for a while. Then there was hours of practicing my latest interest in watercolor painting. There were, of course, walks when the weather was decent, and my room was cleaner than it had been for at least a year or more. And still my laptop sat in a buried corner of an old desk.
Until I took a deep breath and, making sure no one saw me take it to my room, unveiled the piece of technology and plugged it into the wall, opened the lid, pressed the power button and jerked away.
Please turn on. Please turn on. Please turn on. Round and round and round went to little loading circle. Please turn on.
At last! Time for test #1. Oh please God, please let me be able to get in. I typed in my best guess of what I thought the password might be.
I was in! Ha! Thank you, Lord!
Test #2. I scrolled down the Start menu until, there at the bottom, was Microsoft Word. Please God please God please God let it somehow work! I clicked.
As it opened, a little window popped up. A different window than what had popped up that horribly frustrating night when I stowed my laptop away and stewed for months. This one said that this device has Word, Excel, and PowerPoint on it. What? Can it be? Still not convinced, I clicked for a new document and started typing. That worked. I went to save what I had typed. That worked. I opened it back up.
Yes, it worked.
Praise Jesus! Thank you, Lord! I was literally on my feet in astonished, overflowing joy. I definitely laughed at some point.
I was struck by a truth that I had peripherally known in the back of my head for years yet had done such a good job of hiding it.
I procrastinate because of fear.
In that instant all of the things I have procrastinated on, or still haven't done because of my fear, flashed through me. It was a rather embarrassing list.
When I considered the faith I am supposed to have instead of fear, it was downright shameful. The amazing thing is that God doesn't work in shame, he works in loving conviction. So from that point on, I just needed to make sure that this important revelation changed the way I functioned.
One step at a time.
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